Who would have thought the next update is almost a year later, writing from none other than my new dorm room in Taipei. Hello, Taipei, my third year here and two years in total remaining. This time, I am most excited about completing and wrapping up everything I will have to do in Taiwan and call it done.
Why? Stories coming, just keep reading.
Blasting Woodz's music in my audio-technica headphones has got to be one of my top favourite things to do during my rest time lately. 🎵I hope to be like you~🎵
What a year, looking back, I barely felt like I had any me time (or rest time, even). All I could remember was, how much I felt compelled so be sociable and make myself available all the time, no matter my mood and health condition, I felt like I needed to show up without excuse, make time for people I thought would think I matter. My presence was everywhere I never intended to be present.
Then came the exhaustion.
My body protested. Menstruation was irregular, abnormally heavy at times, and it just never stopped. This was an old friend that I thought I had left behind with my past self in Malaysia, but here it was, flushing itself into sight that bright angry redness. Countless hospital visits, trying to fix this long time problem of mine, which I had no answer to the physician's questions most of the time, no one knew what was wrong with this body. Everything was normal on tests and papers, but nothing was right in flesh and blood.
My first ever ER visit was during the last few weeks of the autumn semester. Winter was warm that time of the year, around January, my birthday was near, but course works were heavy and I struggled so much without realising. I did feel tired and sick during this time and went to a smaller clinic for a GP consultation, he thought I was just having a cold. Took the meds and went back to the grind. The number of credits did not reflect how heavy the tasks could be, and eventually my body gave up after I completed most of my sculpture assignments. I was shivering in cold on my bed, wearing the thickest winter clothing that I owned, I had not known, my body was experiencing a 40 degrees high fever.
Matters were made worse when my body was reacting negatively to the chinese medicines I was taking. Only to find out I was actually having UTI for the longest time, without signs, without diagnosis, without medication. "Did you bleed while urinating?" I wouldn't have known, my period never stopped. What I thought was an attempt to fix my health, became the reason my body deteriorated further. At this point, I was so done, this body, every single cell in this being, was signaling me but I did not realise.
Finally made it through winter alive, the cold season ended and began the spring semester. You would think I learned my lesson to go easy on myself, I would say you're not entirely wrong. I was doing better this time, taking care of my health more, I hit the gym, took swimming elective, walked a lot, cycled a lot, cooked for myself a lot more often as well. But something was off.
It almost felt like I was running on a motor, except this motor did not work until it was warmed up long enough. Procrastination was at my PEAK this semester. I had a couple of subjects that focused more on concept, while the required subject (the main thing for Year 2s) was mainly making a visual work. Me being me, I was an idea powerhouse, I could come up with the best possible yet idea just a night before my mentoring. Every mentoring, I presented a new idea, telling the prof I wasn't quite feeling about the previous one. Of course the ideas were accepted, when it came the time to finally Make something physical, my motor decided to stop.
I'll come back and continue writing after spending time with my SEA girls.
Back again after two days. Okay, let me see if I can continue from where I left off.
My motor decided to stop one day, I vividly remember that time I was also struggling terribly on my finances, scholarship money came in late and my debts were carried forward from winter break into the new semester. I couldn't eat properly, some days I was just surviving on nasi bujang, on the worst days, I was eating rice and kicap. Mood was low, and what I did was, I suddenly gained a new hobby, as I was binge-watching reels on Instagram about crocheting a cardigan. The steps were easy, I kind of knew how to crochet (at least the basics), so I proceed to order a bunch of materials for me to kick start, because making my own clothing can be meaningful! I crochet and crochet day and night in the dorm, as finals approached. I ran out of yarns pretty quickly, ordered again without thinking much, despite I was in the middle of my financial struggles.
Final presentation was not executed well, as expected, because as you can see, all I did was looking for distraction to boost my morale during that time. I did this a lot growing up, never started studying until it was a day before the test, I have done this for all my major exams and I knew I would do the same in university too. It worked for me in the past, I may not be the brightest but I still managed to finish on above average. This has always been the way I got by.
Some part in me knew something was not quite right, my instincts told me I needed help, but I didn't know what and how, or worse still, I didn't think my problems were that significant that I deserved to ask for help. Flashbacks of my doomscrolling era during the pandemic, I was in the self-diagnosis algorithm, I thought to myself I was as normal as everybody! Everyone functioned the same, we were all a little bit neurodivergent, being quirky and weird was just being uniquely myself. I can't have any problem worth medical attention.
I spent the whole summer break reflecting on my lifestyle and working/studying mode in Taiwan, this was my first time living alone so far away from home and I believed in this process, I would have learned a thing or two about myself that I never would have discovered if I was living at home. I realised how often my body gave up. Irregular periods, frequent small sickness, mood swings, minor injuries from clumsiness (serious injury once as I sprained my ankle), most obviously, the lack of consistency in my studies despite being a scholarship recipient. As I was connecting the dots, I also recalled my employment experiences and how they affected me negatively, not just mentally but physically as well. At some point I had such frequent s*icidal ideation, that scared a couple of friends of mine but I was ignorant of the implication that had on me. All of these even manifested in my superstitious consultations (whether through person or spiritual belief), which I think is an interesting observation to add.
As I began recalling my childhood, learning and socialising patterns, as well as my struggles from normal employment, thing started to make sense. Why did I behave this way? Why did I give up on tasks so easily? Why was it that I know how to do so many things and as a fast learner, I struggled to master any skill I acquired? Why was I so bad with human relationships? Why was I always angry and impatient? Why did I start new hobbies during the busiest times in my life and completely abandoned my responsibilities to learn that new hobby? Why did I always do things the last minute? Why did I procrastinate so much? Why did I struggle so much from things that seemed so normal and ordinary for my peers? Why was I so excited and overly passionate towards others? Why did I find myself so awkward in keeping in touch with people? Why was I so weak? I have so many questions that I probably have done extensive research that I already knew the answers by heart.
Right at the beginning of the second week of September this year, I could finally let out the Biggest sigh of relief that had been trapped on top of my throat for Years. I was diagnosed with ADHD.
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