a little over two weeks since my last update and i am still able to write with a normal flow unlike before, where i would get stuck or distracted and couldn't organise my thoughts and turn them into words. i think i made the right choice to find out what's going on with me but the process of handling and managing the condition can be very exhausting and demoralising as the effects on me can be different every time and i can never predict how i will get through the day. it feels like i have settled an obvious issue that has been bothering me since i could remember but at the same time, i started noticing more problems that were, perhaps, overlooked or ignored by myself because of the condition of my brains. also i can't be sure is this due to the treatment or hormones, i guess i will never find out the answer.
reality hits hard when i learn through this experience that there is no cure. my problems remain with me and i need to handle it myself but the advantage is, i can have a clearer mind and be more articulated when i am faced with more serious tasks. lack of discipline, procrastination and hyperfixation, on the other hand, do not have a cure and i will need to manage them by fully utilising the treated hours and get as many things done as possible.
it makes me think that humans are very much limited by our abilities as "human", science can only help that much, the brain is such a complicated organ that everybody has a different condition, we're only a mere statistics data in this world. no one, not even myself can know exactly what is happening, it is that abstract sometimes. thankfully, i am able to identify some of these difficulties and try and find ways to get around with it. i am not there yet but i will try my best.
i can't wait for the next appointment because honestly since the second appointment nothing has been right, nothing is useful to me and i still feel like i am rawd*gging this life even though i take my meds whenever i need it. appetite is Shit. this upsets me the most, with the lack of will to eat and consume enough calories, i can't even go to the gym anymore. i Really want to, trust me, i find eating important because in the past, i would never go to work or class with an empty stomach, it Irks me to be hungry and empty when i have to be productive or when a lot of thinking is required. lack of calories and sugar my brains would go Blank. now? i can't even be sure is this worse or better, thinking is no longer a problem, paying attention and conveying messages seem to be manageable for me but, at the same time, my stomach is growling (it growls as i am typing this part as well).
gonna stop here because i need to attend video making class (which i have zero confidence about doing good or even passing this subject because i truly believe i have no sense and talent in this matter), i will continue writing in the studio when the class ends. hopefully we don't have to recall any of our previous assignments as i will never want anyone to see my instagram story looking video works. very very humiliating i must say.
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i lost count how many weeks have it been since i wrote the paragraphs before the hashes and stars.
surprisingly, as insecure as i was towards my video assignments, i actually received rather positive feedbacks from the teacher every class. as an artist, i like how he is very encouraging and that he would constantly remind us we're not filmmakers, so the way we express our creative thoughts in video form should not be limited to the logic of cinema. these words particularly, stayed with me for a long time, and they have such lasting impacts. i did feel more confident with my subsequent video assignments and even uploaded most of them onto my instagram as reels as well, they did turn out pretty well if i stopped pretending that i must be like those professional filmmakers. i am not and will not be like them. i am my own individual, an artist with my unique vision and ways of seeing. how i interpret and express my thoughts via the medium of a moving image is objectively me.
so that is how video class ends up becoming one of my top favourites in this semester. i do have a bit of expectations for myself now but rather than wanting to film something so cinematic and perfect, i am looking forward to being able to use my camera lens as a way of expressing and communicating visual languages. whatever medium i intend to use, it is undeniable that moving image/time-based medium is going to be the defining medium of this era.
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this semester i took up the role of a main organiser of some events in my university, can't say i'm not entirely stressed about it but i do think now that i understand myself better, am medicated and got used to the routine of the effect of this medication, i am able to handle these tasks more smoothly than i was ever able to. although taking meds don't mean i am automatically cured or anything, the habits and tendencies are still there, what i gain is a more focused brains and have more will power to actually completing the tasks that are required of me, instead of wandering around (physically or mentally) and not doing what i am supposed to do. for all the time consumed i do hope the money that ends up entering my bank account is good. need those funds for korea (wishful thinking but let me be).
regarding my plans for artworks, the themes that i am interested in are still very political, which i think suits me more than making works that are more towards personal expression. in the end i am still a post-modern contemporary conceptual critical thinker artist. whatever that means. for the essay i have written on memes as political weapon, unfortunately, i will need to set it aside. it is too strong of a theme and very abstract, although it is worth researching for a long term, for the purpose of this semester's work, i think i will be focusing more on the sickness of political ignorance/anti-arts/anti-humanities. we are living in this huge asylum where everyone is sick but are unaware of it. being diagnosed with adhd made me shift my perspective on who is normal and who is abnormal, how humans are so egoistic to only think from their own side just because they are more well-accepted, or more popular. and how mental illnesses/neurodivergence are considered psychiatric illnesses because the world is not ready to accept real revolutionary and honest thoughts from people like us.
bit funny but that's what i get from listening to wonpil's highs and lows too much. actually thought of that idea during our last ubike trip right after typhoon champi. i do miss cycling a lot, shall do it more often since i don't really have much time for gym now.
tonight will begin the first session of activity and i am both nervous and excited! with my past experience of involving in it as both part-timer and participants, i hope i can do well as an organiser and leave a good precedence for the upcoming batches. ok i shouldn't be too ambitious about it yet but let's just hope it runs smoothly from beginning till the end without hiccups.
and oh, large format photography! how can i forget! had so much fun making our own most basic pinhole camera with just a box and some tapes, and i managed to capture some nice images on ilford photo papers, developed them manually in the darkroom from negatives to final exposure photographs. what an eye-opening lesson, making photographs never felt so intriguing! as a millennial kid growing up with family film photography, i find it so nostalgic and magical to make my own images without going through a machine that produces visually understood by human eyes kind of photographs, there's something about going through the process of converting light and time onto a two-dimensional surface, how time is stopped not within a moment but a period of time, and them freezes in just one moment. while "time" is the main theme of my plans for finals, i do think it is very tricky and i really need to understand image making more thoroughly this semester. books, girl, read your books before it's too late! we're learning traditional film photography next week and i can't wait to try to shoot on a fully manual film camera on my own!!
i guess i don't have much to update anymore except i am getting used to the effects and side-effects of the medication, i take medicines only when needed and now life has been smooth-riding so far since i understand how it affects my brains and how long it will last. it makes me so depressed (or should i say have the tendency of thinking depressing thoughts) sometimes but i must be able to differentiate side-effects, hormonal fluctuations and actually being sad and depressed. hard, i won't be able to tell the difference, but trying to understand matters. on days i am not taking medicines i feel happier and have larger appetite, which is a good sign and i should make the most of it.
lastly for this entry, i would like to personally thank all the southeast asian restaurants in taipei that i frequent, which serve hearty flavourful meals that remind me of home, although i am not from their countries, i can still feel the familiarity and how the warmth from the spices embrace my homesick soul. honourable mention thai and indonesian restaurants, you have my upmost respect for keeping the food as close to the original taste as possible, and i will forever be grateful of that. เธญเธฃ่เธญเธขเธกเธฒเธ and enak banget for life.
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another major major update, i am a collector of pretty much all young k and wonpil's albums, some woodz albums and a bit of young k/day6 merch now. i have jumped ship thanks to myself for needing more new music therapy during tough times like this. i feel very, very happy being a fangirl again, everyday there's something new for me and life has been exciting since. i guess this was how i felt like when i got into new fandoms every other year back then when i was younger, the only difference now is that i am too old and tired for fandoms, i am here for the boys and their music only. i am going to see young k in both of his shows in taipei, truly very grateful for it, and nonetheless the most anticipated arirang tour in kaohsiung, after so many years of stanning, i am finally seeing bts concert tour. i am hopeful about seeing woodz too, although i can't even dream of going to his encore in korea this weekend, i remain hopeful. he always tours! almost every year, and i am looking forward to his new music in the future.
not depriving myself of new music (regardless of publishing time) is the best way of preventing the big sad d word condition.
anyway, wonpil deserves more recognition for his unpiltered album, ์ฌ๋๋ณ๋ is truly an artistic masterpiece.
