do i love art, still?

the last self doubt entry was not even that long ago and here i am again.

dear diary, blah blah blah...

its officially the start of my 9th month here in this city that i once adored for its convenience and the freedom feeling it provided me for. a land where i thought i could be free from my past conservation and be bold enough to think new ideas or chase new dreams. a land where i came with a baggage full of hopes but now i am left with nothing but massive self doubts and maybe a little hint of regrets. how life would have been if i hadn't tried so hard to come to this foreign land to chase an unknown dream. how life would have been if i hadn't forced myself to jump out of my comfort zone and live truly because this life is the only and last one. 

what if i changed my mind?

honestly i am not doing great, things move slowly, music always plays, mind is always loud. maybe i really need to stop waiting and start doing things i really want to do by myself. i don't hate having friends but the idea of needing company for everything can be tiring. maybe it's really a great season to learn how to say no for the sake of my own experience without making people uncomfortable. 

at this point i have forgotten my initial objective for leaving home so far away. sometimes even getting flight tickets back home during holidays sound like a burden, i am the burden. what good does it do if i leave home but not earning any new achievements?

do i love art, still?