Are we there yet?

And the next time we meet, dear blog, is a month later, the month of August. Honestly, I have not done much during this summer break, travelled a bit to Gerik, Kluang and Penang, then that's it. I have gotten uninterested in joining activities, afraid of crowds (this feeling is getting worse as time goes by) and been feeling ashamed to meet anyone from the past. I am terrible (TERRIBLE) in maintaining relationships, but I only hope to see my friends again when I am in a better state. At least, when I have achieved something so I can have stories to tell, which, I don't know what is the "something". 

As usual, reading is not in progress, I have my books laid out on the desk, I bring one with me whenever I am going out, but sadly, none of the books were opened for reading, not even once, since the last time I updated about my findings and inspirations from books. How is this possible? I was so excited to start, however the kick disappeared as I returned home.

It feels off being home. 

I was eating a bowl of salad just now while thinking about my break that started since last June, and I came across to the weekly q2han video update. I clicked into the video, only to close it after the opening scene as I didn't feel the need to have a long video playing. The image of me being productive while playing their video in the background suddenly flashed through my mind, I do miss doing work for myself without any concerned of whether it was inconveniencing anyone, to move in total freedom and feel zero judgement for what I was going to do. To make meals from scratch as a therapeutic act and not to prove that I am a responsible person that does not just lay down and not contributing to a household. I feel most of my actions require a reason. 

Time is moving extremely slow for me, at some point I am considering quitting social media or uninstalling certain apps because I am not on the same page with most of the people whom I am going to meet in Taipei. Most of them are homesick, reluctant to leave for university, and are wishing for the break to never end. This is obviously not the case for me. Having the chance to live far from home independently has always been a huge deal, things I am experiencing in Taipei had felt impossible, those are the things I begged for from God, and I can't wait to go back, continue building a life in a stranger place. The urge to isolate again is real, however, growing up means understanding the need to tolerate and communicate my difference. Which, I am yet to find out until September comes. 

Wake me up when September starts, though. 

屬

暑假沒有計劃，雖然學期中一直很希望自己可以趁回馬這段時間，找一些事情做，比如創作？妄想。如果有收集到一些草稿就已經很不錯了。

看了看課綱，原來選上的科目大多跟創作有關，真的進入正題了，已經不是那個剛來臺不久的大一生。根本不敢想到底自己能不能在大二走到順利，一次過拿26學分不能說不是挑戰，但是經歷了無比空閑的20以下學分，要趁這腦袋還可以轉的時候，强迫她動一動。距離上一次創作已經超過一年了，不曉得這幾年的時間是怎麽過去的，很快，學了很多，卻又好像沒做些什麽。

一直不斷不斷的懷疑自己。

或許質疑是唯一讓我前進的方式。

假期還是看書好了。

之前借了《愛的藝術》但因爲翻譯成中文真的太難理解了，回到家裏就把自己的英文版拿出來讀了一些，有了新的領悟。回想起來，初次讀那本書的時期，除了比較年小以外，工作上也是挺不順的，書中提到action和activity這項，以現在成熟度的理解又有深一層的領會。跟想靈感一樣，當我們將自己放進一個規律的循環裏，無法休息專注，創作和愛一樣困難，難道要做藝術就要比一般人閑？

寫到這裏，深深的感覺到自己的文筆有些僵硬，是時候要完完整整的看完一本書了。

今年的閲讀進度真不堪。

do i love art, still?

the last self doubt entry was not even that long ago and here i am again.

dear diary, blah blah blah...

its officially the start of my 9th month here in this city that i once adored for its convenience and the freedom feeling it provided me for. a land where i thought i could be free from my past conservation and be bold enough to think new ideas or chase new dreams. a land where i came with a baggage full of hopes but now i am left with nothing but massive self doubts and maybe a little hint of regrets. how life would have been if i hadn't tried so hard to come to this foreign land to chase an unknown dream. how life would have been if i hadn't forced myself to jump out of my comfort zone and live truly because this life is the only and last one. 

what if i changed my mind?

honestly i am not doing great, things move slowly, music always plays, mind is always loud. maybe i really need to stop waiting and start doing things i really want to do by myself. i don't hate having friends but the idea of needing company for everything can be tiring. maybe it's really a great season to learn how to say no for the sake of my own experience without making people uncomfortable. 

at this point i have forgotten my initial objective for leaving home so far away. sometimes even getting flight tickets back home during holidays sound like a burden, i am the burden. what good does it do if i leave home but not earning any new achievements?

do i love art, still?  

doubts, as time is approaching the 8th month

Here comes one of those days when I feel like I am slowly losing my skill sets through living complacently. 

Soon it will be full eight months of me moving to Taipei, re-living the student life that I have been yearning for my entire life. Despite the constant reminder that I am here for a purpose, sometimes I cannot help it to feel like my life is a stagnant. It is indeed as slow as it should be, I am living in an art university, however, is the slowness appropriate? Am I wasting time?

Reading is not in progress, books abandoned, movies not watched, songs not remembered, and a lot of things are at the verge of falling apart, but why am I still living as slowly as it can take? Am I supposed to be doing something?

At this point, even English sounds awkward to me. I have lost the ability to write complete paragraphs, let alone sounding like a native. 

Am I really an artist? How long more can I call myself that? It's been more than a year that I do not have any new, solid, complete artwork, am I really an artist?  

愛的藝術

 時間都去哪兒了呢？

2025第一篇，居然是在天氣陰晴不定的三月。

昨天半夜雷雨，隔天早上整個台灣圈的網絡都說閃電很多，雷聲很可怕。其實我那天晚上睡得很香，生長在熱帶國家的孩子，想必都喜歡在雨天睡覺，有白噪音的陪伴作催眠，特別好睡。尤其是連夜雨，加上如果隔天是周末的話就更完美。雨聲療愈，雷聲好比增添了一些激動的背景音樂，和平的氣氛中參雜著一點點的混亂，生活不就是如此。

新的學期在第三周正式開始，選到的科目都是自己喜歡的，雖然還修不夠基礎學分，但沒關係，還有一點點時間可以追回來。這學期所學的有新挑戰，也有溫故知新的科目，有新鮮感之餘還可以學習新的技能。其中最想學會的就是游泳。教練很有經驗，教學方式簡單明白，而且非常有耐性，萬萬沒想到，這麽害怕深水的我，居然第一次下水就已經學會換氣和飄浮。很期待自己在學期末可以有怎樣的改變。

感覺第二學期過得比第一學期還要快，一直覺得自己有必要馬上學會很多東西，尤其是跟美術和雕塑有關的科目。有時候真的要提醒自己，如果選擇了重新開始，就要抱著小白來學習的心態，不要再被過往的學習經驗框架，要擺脫傳統和固執的觀念，才可以有新的理解和啓發。

最近在鼓勵和協助朋友申請我的學系。也因這個機緣，我相隔一年又再打開之前入學申請的文件，重新讀了當初寫下的自傳和學習計劃與目的。不知道當時候是以怎樣的心態寫下那些文字，習慣馬來西亞多語言環境的我，竟然可以寫下這些中文文章，真的佩服，有志者事竟成不是蓋的。大概是真的很想很想被錄取吧，畢竟留學是我從小的夢想，雖然達到的年齡有些晚了。話説回來，時不時把這些文章翻出來看，其實有幫助到我重回軌道，提醒自己爲什麽那麽想來這裏，爲什麽來這裏，憑什麽來到。要找回創作的初心。可是有時候覺得自己的圈子缺乏志同道合的人，可能大家入學還未多久吧？那爲什麽我要自己等呢？

很想找回那個閲讀的愛好，入學前的空白期真的讀了很多書，但是2025年都快過了1/4，我仍然還未讀完一本書。今天打算去圖書館借愛的藝術，最近選上了愛情心理學的一門課，很有趣，可以探索自己的潛意識，想通過這堂課多瞭解自己，看看自己對從未發掘和追求的“愛”有怎樣的理解和看法。看看自己是否真的瞭解自己，可以勇敢的面對自己的情緒和情感。愛是一個大家都需要的概念，我覺得讀了namjoon的weverse發文后， 我真的覺得宇宙很神奇，像是在提醒我有一本這樣的書，他在讀the art of loving，曾經是我很喜歡的心理學書籍。不知道相隔多年以後，人生增添了不同的經驗以後，我再次讀回那本書，會有怎樣的新體會？我很期待找到那個答案。

這學期初，趁可也還沒有那麽忙碌，我終於開始下厨了！上周有簡單煮菜和炒蛋，還嘗試腌製網絡上看到的韓式醬油鷄蛋，色香味俱全是我吃東西最大的滿足！今天則煮了我們家的招牌私房菜：馬鈴薯煎鷄蛋！外加一份叁巴蝦，其實不用花很多時間，若知道要煮，就前一天買好材料就可以剩下很多時間了。材料才用了一半，就可以煮出兩份餐點，省錢啊！而且又比較合我的胃口，真的不能沒有東南亞口味。

還有這兩天厚比演唱會搶票嚴重失敗了，不知道是不是真的沒有緣分去，但是我還是比較想要在合體的2025年去一趟首爾，感受一下防彈少年團回歸年的氛圍，畢竟從臺北飛往首爾比較近，不去一次好像很浪費這地理位置。

今天依然下雨，濕濕熱熱的天氣那麽快又回來了。