April screamed YOLO

I actually hate the YOLO word but whatever.

April 2014 was pretty impressive, I scored the lowest score in my life ever, and I also got the biggest compliment at all time. So I guess this is what people say life has ups and downs, like a roller coaster ride? Static life is boring, I used to love it but now I prefer a change :)

Missions are still ongoing. I'm glad that I was being challenged to do something I would rather die than doing, and I always feel thankful for whoever that challenge me for my own good instead of for them to fulfill their competitiveness. Cuz of the challenge I realize how important sports are, by exercising really help a lot in distracting myself from being unnecessarily negative or sad, even just for awhile.

I met Qilah again after so long, noticing how much both of us had changed because of people.

I wanted to talk about the SAC Sports Day but...I'll keep it a secret as of now, I don't want things to get out of hand because of my own feelings and weird behaviour. Don't tell me I'm not weird because you're not me. I actually felt like shit during sports day haha, anyway it's not like I have never experienced the same feeling, I know I'll get over it really soon. I'm getting over it. I believe. Nah.

This month was kinda long? Time passed so slow until I couldn't breathe sometimes. But hey, the good thing about time passing slowly is that you take note of everything you did, you remember everything, and you either enjoy it or suffer from it. Life consists of pain and pleasure to make it balance anyway.

Wait, I think I forgot how much of an embarrassment I was during sports day hahahahaha bye gonna dissolve into the thin air, miserably.

Looking forward for our next run and coffee date! And also the day when all my friends are breathing the same air with me again. How to lepak when both of us are being separated with an Indian Ocean? Anyway the next month will be 2 hundred million times more shittier than April, gotta get geared up for exams! What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, definitely.

Oh, by the way, before I forget, I finished reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower in 2 days and then I watched the movie as well. This was the only time when I actually ~finish~ a book, in 2 days wow, come I clap for myself first *claps*.

Anyway it's a great book, especially for those who perceive shy people are antisocial or not confident by choice, it's actually not. Highly recommended because it's the best way to understand the inner thoughts of a person who has low self-esteem. The best way to understand me. Too.



x o x o

整理

发现自己有点无能。

差个天和地。

I don't know you, but...

J

J is the letter of the month.

As usual, studies make me feel like a complete loser. Again.

It hurts to realize how incompetent you are, in all senses.

Yes, practice makes perfect. I understand. 

But for someone like me, no matter how much I tried,

I'm still like this.

You can say that I'm just underestimating my own ability,

you can say I wasn't hardworking enough,

or even criticize me for being halfhearted in doing things.

It's not like I don't want to change, I tried, I swear,

but it won't work, I don't know whether the problem is in me or just influences,

well, I think both. 

Read an article about how to become a loser in life,

guess what, I don't even need to read that to know how a loser is like in life,

I AM already one. Unsurprisingly, 

the whole article kinda shoot me in the face. It hurts so damn much. 

Anyway, the main aim of that article is for people 

to learn from the negative side of things,

and yet there's someone who can't be taught.

I do have people that I look up to,

people that I respect and admire, 

people that I like and people that I care.

Maybe I'm only matured in terms of appearance?

The older I am the more childish I get,

I just...don't understand? 

Perhaps just me being stuck in the same problem for too long,

I need to take a few steps back and think,

reconsider, and think more.

The question is, how? See my problem?

Btw this isn't an entry for March,

just a very negative side of me got revealed after going through the hell Feb.

x o x o 

2 。二

二月啦。

最近也过的马马虎虎，
好像给自己打了记耳光。

功课多，课程广，考试近，
我的大学生活不过如此。

所幸的是，
放下了一些沉溺以久的事情，
总算让时间空出来了，
可以做些有建设性的事情。

昨天（还是前天我忘了）
终于去搜索这个抒情摇滚乐团，
名字叫Dickpunks，
在烦躁的时候有了一个
让心抒缓下来的方式，
感觉很不错。

很喜欢贝斯与鼓配上钢琴的曲风，
钢琴取代了电吉他，
少了一份摇滚的强硬，
却多了一份舒适感。
我正需要这些。

有多久没有听别的歌曲了呢？

看我七十二变！

二十一啦！大个女啦，要乖啦，
不可以再耍脾气啦，
可以自行决定结婚啦！

长大让我有很很多感触，
过去两、三年里面，
自己最疯狂的岁月里面，
错过了很多，
简单来说就是花太多时间和精神在不该的事上，
再不然就是被不喜欢的事情捆绑着手脚，
因此造成了错失。
所以今年都要一一弥补，
跟最亲的朋友们一起完成共同任务，
势必在成年时履行少年时的梦想等等，
说到好像很大件事那样，
其实还满大件事的啦。

---------- ---------- -

很高兴自己终于选择放下，
我的初心，我岁月里最疯狂的，
不过是最闪耀的你们。
谢谢你们出现在我的世上，
有你们陪伴的四年间，
我沉迷了很久，也明白了许多，
我了解到身边的人事物不值得这样被我忽略，
把这些人事物的存在当作理所当然，被我牺牲。
我有很多话想跟你们说，
很想看你们的演唱会，很想试试追着你们跑，
不过看来我们之间好像就到此为止了。
也许在外人眼里，现在的我，
在说这番话的我，是夸张诠释，不切实际，
对一群完全不知道我的存在的人感到感伤，
感到无限抱歉，很傻，很无谓。

我还是那句，你们懂什么？
将心比心，要你交往四年后主动提出分手，
一定也很伤心难过外加不忍心。

每个人有权利崇拜偶像，
偶像可以是家族，也可以是明星，
这不是什么羞耻或值得批评的事情。
他们是一个人仰慕的对象，
是精神的寄托，喜怒哀乐都可以隔空分享的对象。
偶像的定义不只是仰慕你的外表和才华，
也喜欢你的涵养，
有内涵的人才值得大家尊重那么久，
就算隔住一个海洋的距离也在欣赏着的就是偶像。

每个少女都有历经追星的阶段，
可以很癫狂，也可以很平静。
I believe when something started, there must be an ending.
When it is coming to an end, this is not necessarily the finale,
it could be a comma of a sentence, on the other side,
it could also be the climax.
I'm not sure how should I describe my phase,
but I'm sure it's definitely not the finale.
I'm just letting it go, so I could discover more in life,
spend more time with people I care the most,
and do things I've always been wanting to do.

有人告诉我，这不是什么值得感到愧疚的事。
她说得对，兴趣可以是短暂的，
就算失去了，是自己的事情，
没有交代的必要，也不用觉得内疚。
只在乎曾经拥有，大概是这样的意思吧？
他们始终在我心里占据过很大的位置，
我知道我不是放弃，只是放下。
这需要很大的决心。

---------- ---------- -

反正今年最主要的任务是改变自己，
变漂亮变聪明变健康是必然的，
我还要变勤劳啦。

---------- ---------- -


"Thank you, my Prince, that I have dreamt of, don't forget how my heart raced, when you looked at me."