最近察觉自己
已经把很多事情给忘了
不是特意的擦去过去的回忆
但要自行回想起过去的种种
在没有照片等等物品的辅助之下
似乎有点难度
有时问问自己
这辈子最开心的时候是几时
好像没有答案
再问问
最近喜欢做些什么
也没有答案
不知道是什么情况
看来某日起
我应该写日记什么的
在别人忘掉我之前
不可以把自己给忘了
Monday, September 1, 2014
Thursday, July 31, 2014
just me
Another obligatory monthly(?!) update, here I come.
Not gonna talk about what have I been through since the last update, all I can say is my life is still pretty satisfyingly great I guess, just sometimes I am quite bothered with certain problems that obviously will not have a solution, forever.
Many would say, if a problem has no solution, why worry? But some would say, out of 100, 99 of your worries do not exist, so you only need to deal with the remaining 1.
July 22nd 2014, the day when my self-esteem and confidence completely got demolished. Who to take the blame? I really have no clue. I do not think I can blame on anyone or anything.
I did consult a doctor, but his face clearly showed me I came to find him quite late already. Yes, it is pretty obvious what my main worry is right now if you have seen me in person after June this year.
No medicine, no 100% recovery, which means I am going to look like this forever until the day I step into my grave. Or I'd probably look worse by then who knows. Seems like I am not THAT happy like what I said earlier. Whatever.
It could be due to genetic reasons or stress, the doctor pointed out, but since there was no proof of genetic issue, he sort of concluded that I was being too stressful. Stressful, hmm.. and on top of that I got a hideous physical appearance in return. Thank you god (if you ever exist) for being so fair.
I really do not know what to think, I try to stay positive about having half chance of recovery, I try to make my personality outshine any impairment, I try to not think about it, I try to not overthink. I try so much that I realize I cannot even accept the fact that I am like this already.
Stress? The hell I got that, to be really frank. I spend most of my time doing useless things and never give a shit about being productive. Stress?! The hell I got that from?
I seriously do not understand.
Every time I look into the mirror I start to stare and think. Ugly as fuck.
Here is to everyone out there who thinks physical appearance is not important, what is important is a person's heart and mindset, confidence makes a person beautiful etc. I can tell you all these are applicable provided you are born with a very highly decent physical appearance. Do not disagree with me because none of you will ever understand how I feel.
To hell I will believe this world has people who do not judge based on looks. To hell I will ever find an ugly person who has confidence in himself/herself. To hell..
You know what? You don't just simply go around and tell a person to be themselves, be positive, be confident. Some people are not born like that. Some are, but they change in the process of growing up. Yes, clearly I am saying myself.
People keep telling me to let out my problems so that I do not have to keep everything to myself and let me suffer alone. But honestly speaking, who on Earth would spend half of their life listening to me complaining about the same old problems I have.
No one can help me. But don't worry, I'm just slightly depressed, not suicidal no.
The internet's way of asking people to regain/build up confidence is making me so sick that I feel like throwing up whenever I read a post like that.
Being confidence starts by loving yourself? I disagree. You can love yourself and at the same time have low level of self-esteem. It's complicated to understand because this is not what you go through. Example? If I hate myself I would have been suicidal for real. Truth is, I am still alive but still struggling with self-esteem problems. I do not hate life.
I just don't want to look like this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I would not have been so depressed when the result of this was due to genes.
Not gonna talk about what have I been through since the last update, all I can say is my life is still pretty satisfyingly great I guess, just sometimes I am quite bothered with certain problems that obviously will not have a solution, forever.
Many would say, if a problem has no solution, why worry? But some would say, out of 100, 99 of your worries do not exist, so you only need to deal with the remaining 1.
July 22nd 2014, the day when my self-esteem and confidence completely got demolished. Who to take the blame? I really have no clue. I do not think I can blame on anyone or anything.
I did consult a doctor, but his face clearly showed me I came to find him quite late already. Yes, it is pretty obvious what my main worry is right now if you have seen me in person after June this year.
No medicine, no 100% recovery, which means I am going to look like this forever until the day I step into my grave. Or I'd probably look worse by then who knows. Seems like I am not THAT happy like what I said earlier. Whatever.
It could be due to genetic reasons or stress, the doctor pointed out, but since there was no proof of genetic issue, he sort of concluded that I was being too stressful. Stressful, hmm.. and on top of that I got a hideous physical appearance in return. Thank you god (if you ever exist) for being so fair.
I really do not know what to think, I try to stay positive about having half chance of recovery, I try to make my personality outshine any impairment, I try to not think about it, I try to not overthink. I try so much that I realize I cannot even accept the fact that I am like this already.
Stress? The hell I got that, to be really frank. I spend most of my time doing useless things and never give a shit about being productive. Stress?! The hell I got that from?
I seriously do not understand.
Every time I look into the mirror I start to stare and think. Ugly as fuck.
Here is to everyone out there who thinks physical appearance is not important, what is important is a person's heart and mindset, confidence makes a person beautiful etc. I can tell you all these are applicable provided you are born with a very highly decent physical appearance. Do not disagree with me because none of you will ever understand how I feel.
To hell I will believe this world has people who do not judge based on looks. To hell I will ever find an ugly person who has confidence in himself/herself. To hell..
You know what? You don't just simply go around and tell a person to be themselves, be positive, be confident. Some people are not born like that. Some are, but they change in the process of growing up. Yes, clearly I am saying myself.
People keep telling me to let out my problems so that I do not have to keep everything to myself and let me suffer alone. But honestly speaking, who on Earth would spend half of their life listening to me complaining about the same old problems I have.
No one can help me. But don't worry, I'm just slightly depressed, not suicidal no.
The internet's way of asking people to regain/build up confidence is making me so sick that I feel like throwing up whenever I read a post like that.
Being confidence starts by loving yourself? I disagree. You can love yourself and at the same time have low level of self-esteem. It's complicated to understand because this is not what you go through. Example? If I hate myself I would have been suicidal for real. Truth is, I am still alive but still struggling with self-esteem problems. I do not hate life.
I just don't want to look like this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I would not have been so depressed when the result of this was due to genes.
Monday, June 9, 2014
Hi
All this while I have been forcing myself to think positively, to have a healthier lifestyle, to quit a lot of things I used to do for fun.
Guess who's not doing well recently?
So sorry if I have made you worried.
Guess who's not doing well recently?
So sorry if I have made you worried.
Saturday, May 3, 2014
Ok fine
So I have been thinking of it for like more than 3 months I guess? And then here comes a dream (that I long for).
I woke up accidentally at 3am this morning, so I decided to charge my phone before I went back to sleep again because I'd have to get up at 6.30am later. I was worried that I couldn't fall back to sleep as the room was extremely cold and I had no idea where the hell my blanket was. Then the thought of "sleeping in a cold room would increase the chance of having a bad dream" came into my mind after I chanted that name. Not really chanted but it kinda appeared in my mind, and I didn't force myself to think of it I swear.
Unsurprisingly, I fell asleep again, thank God.
I didn't have a dream before I woke up at 3, but I had a dream after my next sleep. And need not to mention what the hell was going on in THAT dream, yet I must say everything seemed so real, so fucking real until I couldn't even believe it. I got teased. Or flirted I don't know. And then there was a movie session, in the living room, on the couch, pretty innocent though, I loved it. Everything went on so smoothly and I got so much hope like...I felt like I belonged to that kind of life in reality. Until a plot twist happened in the end. I was clinging to the air instead of an arm.
It ended sadly though. If dreams reflect total opposite of reality, then I'm seriously getting my hope up so so so high. Whatever.
Wednesday, April 30, 2014
April screamed YOLO
I actually hate the YOLO word but whatever.
April 2014 was pretty impressive, I scored the lowest score in my life ever, and I also got the biggest compliment at all time. So I guess this is what people say life has ups and downs, like a roller coaster ride? Static life is boring, I used to love it but now I prefer a change :)
Missions are still ongoing. I'm glad that I was being challenged to do something I would rather die than doing, and I always feel thankful for whoever that challenge me for my own good instead of for them to fulfill their competitiveness. Cuz of the challenge I realize how important sports are, by exercising really help a lot in distracting myself from being unnecessarily negative or sad, even just for awhile.
I met Qilah again after so long, noticing how much both of us had changed because of people.
I wanted to talk about the SAC Sports Day but...I'll keep it a secret as of now, I don't want things to get out of hand because of my own feelings and weird behaviour. Don't tell me I'm not weird because you're not me. I actually felt like shit during sports day haha, anyway it's not like I have never experienced the same feeling, I know I'll get over it really soon. I'm getting over it. I believe. Nah.
This month was kinda long? Time passed so slow until I couldn't breathe sometimes. But hey, the good thing about time passing slowly is that you take note of everything you did, you remember everything, and you either enjoy it or suffer from it. Life consists of pain and pleasure to make it balance anyway.
Wait, I think I forgot how much of an embarrassment I was during sports day hahahahaha bye gonna dissolve into the thin air, miserably.
Looking forward for our next run and coffee date! And also the day when all my friends are breathing the same air with me again. How to lepak when both of us are being separated with an Indian Ocean? Anyway the next month will be 2 hundred million times more shittier than April, gotta get geared up for exams! What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, definitely.
Oh, by the way, before I forget, I finished reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower in 2 days and then I watched the movie as well. This was the only time when I actually ~finish~ a book, in 2 days wow, come I clap for myself first *claps*.
Anyway it's a great book, especially for those who perceive shy people are antisocial or not confident by choice, it's actually not. Highly recommended because it's the best way to understand the inner thoughts of a person who has low self-esteem. The best way to understand me. Too.
x o x o
April 2014 was pretty impressive, I scored the lowest score in my life ever, and I also got the biggest compliment at all time. So I guess this is what people say life has ups and downs, like a roller coaster ride? Static life is boring, I used to love it but now I prefer a change :)
Missions are still ongoing. I'm glad that I was being challenged to do something I would rather die than doing, and I always feel thankful for whoever that challenge me for my own good instead of for them to fulfill their competitiveness. Cuz of the challenge I realize how important sports are, by exercising really help a lot in distracting myself from being unnecessarily negative or sad, even just for awhile.
I met Qilah again after so long, noticing how much both of us had changed because of people.
I wanted to talk about the SAC Sports Day but...I'll keep it a secret as of now, I don't want things to get out of hand because of my own feelings and weird behaviour. Don't tell me I'm not weird because you're not me. I actually felt like shit during sports day haha, anyway it's not like I have never experienced the same feeling, I know I'll get over it really soon. I'm getting over it. I believe. Nah.
This month was kinda long? Time passed so slow until I couldn't breathe sometimes. But hey, the good thing about time passing slowly is that you take note of everything you did, you remember everything, and you either enjoy it or suffer from it. Life consists of pain and pleasure to make it balance anyway.
Wait, I think I forgot how much of an embarrassment I was during sports day hahahahaha bye gonna dissolve into the thin air, miserably.
Looking forward for our next run and coffee date! And also the day when all my friends are breathing the same air with me again. How to lepak when both of us are being separated with an Indian Ocean? Anyway the next month will be 2 hundred million times more shittier than April, gotta get geared up for exams! What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, definitely.
Oh, by the way, before I forget, I finished reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower in 2 days and then I watched the movie as well. This was the only time when I actually ~finish~ a book, in 2 days wow, come I clap for myself first *claps*.
Anyway it's a great book, especially for those who perceive shy people are antisocial or not confident by choice, it's actually not. Highly recommended because it's the best way to understand the inner thoughts of a person who has low self-esteem. The best way to understand me. Too.
x o x o
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