Another obligatory monthly(?!) update, here I come.
Not gonna talk about what have I been through since the last update, all I can say is my life is still pretty satisfyingly great I guess, just sometimes I am quite bothered with certain problems that obviously will not have a solution, forever.
Many would say, if a problem has no solution, why worry? But some would say, out of 100, 99 of your worries do not exist, so you only need to deal with the remaining 1.
July 22nd 2014, the day when my self-esteem and confidence completely got demolished. Who to take the blame? I really have no clue. I do not think I can blame on anyone or anything.
I did consult a doctor, but his face clearly showed me I came to find him quite late already. Yes, it is pretty obvious what my main worry is right now if you have seen me in person after June this year.
No medicine, no 100% recovery, which means I am going to look like this forever until the day I step into my grave. Or I'd probably look worse by then who knows. Seems like I am not THAT happy like what I said earlier. Whatever.
It could be due to genetic reasons or stress, the doctor pointed out, but since there was no proof of genetic issue, he sort of concluded that I was being too stressful. Stressful, hmm.. and on top of that I got a hideous physical appearance in return. Thank you god (if you ever exist) for being so fair.
I really do not know what to think, I try to stay positive about having half chance of recovery, I try to make my personality outshine any impairment, I try to not think about it, I try to not overthink. I try so much that I realize I cannot even accept the fact that I am like this already.
Stress? The hell I got that, to be really frank. I spend most of my time doing useless things and never give a shit about being productive. Stress?! The hell I got that from?
I seriously do not understand.
Every time I look into the mirror I start to stare and think. Ugly as fuck.
Here is to everyone out there who thinks physical appearance is not important, what is important is a person's heart and mindset, confidence makes a person beautiful etc. I can tell you all these are applicable provided you are born with a very highly decent physical appearance. Do not disagree with me because none of you will ever understand how I feel.
To hell I will believe this world has people who do not judge based on looks. To hell I will ever find an ugly person who has confidence in himself/herself. To hell..
You know what? You don't just simply go around and tell a person to be themselves, be positive, be confident. Some people are not born like that. Some are, but they change in the process of growing up. Yes, clearly I am saying myself.
People keep telling me to let out my problems so that I do not have to keep everything to myself and let me suffer alone. But honestly speaking, who on Earth would spend half of their life listening to me complaining about the same old problems I have.
No one can help me. But don't worry, I'm just slightly depressed, not suicidal no.
The internet's way of asking people to regain/build up confidence is making me so sick that I feel like throwing up whenever I read a post like that.
Being confidence starts by loving yourself? I disagree. You can love yourself and at the same time have low level of self-esteem. It's complicated to understand because this is not what you go through. Example? If I hate myself I would have been suicidal for real. Truth is, I am still alive but still struggling with self-esteem problems. I do not hate life.
I just don't want to look like this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I would not have been so depressed when the result of this was due to genes.
