考前

上几个学期都在觉得后悔,
后悔没复习够, 后悔些有的没的。
现在的心情只是希望
上几个星期的努力不会白费。

有点失望的是没有人相信我的付出。
不怨,
反正一直以来给人的印象就是这样。

向来都没有奢望过他们会因我而骄傲。

最近抑郁的心情又回来了,
总是待在家里的时候会有如此的感受。
不喜欢拿生肖当借口,
可怜的猴子。
我就是不喜欢待在家里。

希望你们还记得
当初是谁对着一个不懂事的可怜小孩大喊,
不喜欢家, 不满家里的相处规矩就走。
有种就走。
好啊, 一满18岁了我就真的如你们所愿。
现在看到你们一直问我为什么不回家,
没事做没有课, 为什么不回家。
不知道你们是在装还是真的想我记得家。

Late review

终于，花了六天的时间，

把《没关系，是爱情啊》看完了。

孔孝真和赵寅成也太般配

没有我想象中的老掉牙情节，

最后几集有点仓促，

但是也很感谢编剧把我的伤感剪短。

精神上的健康已经不是一个不能说的秘密。

或许现今社会还需要一些时间来接受，

不只是接受患者的存在与治疗的需要，

同时间也应该了解精神与心理疾病，

亦有可能蔓延在你我的人生。

男主角张宰烈，

虽然有着悲惨的家庭暴力阴影，

更有一次为了逃避继父的毒打

而和妈妈躲在村子的粪坑，

加上与哥哥之间的误解，

造成他精神与心理失常。

平常的他跟所有正常人一样，

工作、生活，毫无异样。

因为长期带着罪恶感生活，

就算悲伤抑郁都必须隐藏着自己的情绪，

那么身边的人才可以幸福快乐的活下来，

在乎别人的感受多于自己的感受，

就这样奉献了好端端的人生给精神病。

典型韩剧，主角都病得很惨，

幸好后来宰烈还是成功的克服了病魔与心魔，

多谢医学发达，多谢病人毅力，

也多谢韩剧式“排除万难”的爱情。

无可否认整部剧真的很有让人想爱的感觉。

好喜欢戏中的歌曲，

尤其是那几首英文歌，

搜索后才发现原来这些歌曲已发行几年，

歌手和歌名完全没有听过，

（因为自己不怎么注意英文音乐）

可是歌词和音乐都很有意思，

很符合剧中角色的背景和个性，

值得一听。

其中最喜欢的一首叫做《Hero》(by Family of the Year)，

大多出现在张宰烈的画面，

歌词大概是说一个为了别人而活的人，

开始对生活厌倦，想像其他人一样的活下去。

主角张宰烈是一名小说家，

所以剧中有不少台词很有意思，

现在一时之间想不起，

反正观点都与一般人不一样。

终于在今年结束以前让我观赏了一部好剧。

没关系，是爱情啊

标题不是在说我。

今天忽然决定看一集《没关系，是爱情啊》，
原本真的只是打算看一集，
反正我没试过一部新剧可以连看两集，
然后还有我相信韩剧要是第一集我挨得了，
接下来无论剧情如何，我都可以把整部剧看完。

结果连续看了三集。

开始时剧情虽然有点老掉牙，
而且我相信剧情发展一定和一般韩剧一样，
什么男女主角开始成为冤家，
然后接二连三的事情都牵扯着双方，
接着机缘巧合之下变成邻居或室友，
经过重重困难最后两人坠入爱河。

是有和其它戏剧相似的地方，
可是《没关系，是爱情啊》的特别之处，
就是以心理医学为题材
（病症是真的，但是治疗法可以是虚构），
整部剧就是围绕着一群带着心病和心理障碍生活的人们。

心理病其实也是一种病症，
像普通伤风感冒一样需要治疗，
可是现今社会仍然对心理和精神问题存有歧见。

现代人生活繁忙，家庭责任重大，
工作压力更不在话下，
往往因为各种周遭的人事物而产生了心理和精神上的不平衡，
有心理病和精神病理应尽快寻求治疗，
但很可惜的是，人们却将心理与精神治疗当成研究疯子，
觉得自己要是接受开解或治疗就是疯了。

病人会因为觉得自己没有疯，所以抗拒帮助。
家属会因为觉得病人想太多，所以不多理会。

什么时候开始，人类就觉得心理问题不值得重视？
要是只注重身体强健，那为什么说“身心健康”？

当一个人患上了癌症，接受化疗而受了不少苦，
大家就会觉得啊……好可怜好辛苦，病得很惨，
治疗过程一定让他辛苦了，但为了抗癌，
再辛苦也是值得的，为了将来健康的人生。

那么，当一个人需要心理治疗的时候呢?

至今仍然存有这“我又不是傻子，看心理医生干嘛？”
心理疾病不只是限于我们俗称的神经病，
其实有很多很普遍的都发生在我们周围，
甚至发生在你我身上，轻微却不代表可以无视它的存在。

惧高症，强迫症，学习障碍，多重人格，
自恋性人格异常等等等等，
这些我们不都经常听到周围的人在说？
有人自觉得有惧高症而不敢过吊桥，
有人自觉得有强迫症而一定要东西整齐得很，
有人就根本自恋到连阿妈都不认得。

为什么日常的谈话当中，
大家可以很理所当然的觉得自己如何如何，
但如果真的得了某种心理疾病却抗拒得很？
理由很简单，就是缺乏认知与关怀。

我家有学习障碍的成员，
所以不要以为我是在装聪明扮英雄捍卫心理治疗，
看了几集的电视剧虽然真的不代表什么，
但是我真的很希望人们可以重视身心健康，而不只是身体强健。

虽然我不知道我本身是否真正的健康，
也当然不希望自己有任何疾病，身体上也好，心理上也罢。
只是觉得大家身边如果有个举止异常的朋友，
在歧视或责骂他们之前，先多跟他们聊天，
了解他们的问题在哪里，为什么会这样做等等，
不要一味认为他们的怪行让周围的人不高兴，
站在他们的立场想想，正常人也不希望自己行为改变。

话说回来，剧名取为《没关系，是爱情啊》
真的很没有看头……
听起来像是什么普通爱情片。

제목 없음

最近察觉自己
已经把很多事情给忘了
不是特意的擦去过去的回忆
但要自行回想起过去的种种
在没有照片等等物品的辅助之下
似乎有点难度

有时问问自己
这辈子最开心的时候是几时
好像没有答案
再问问
最近喜欢做些什么
也没有答案

不知道是什么情况

看来某日起
我应该写日记什么的

在别人忘掉我之前
不可以把自己给忘了

just me

Another obligatory monthly(?!) update, here I come.

Not gonna talk about what have I been through since the last update, all I can say is my life is still pretty satisfyingly great I guess, just sometimes I am quite bothered with certain problems that obviously will not have a solution, forever.

Many would say, if a problem has no solution, why worry? But some would say, out of 100, 99 of your worries do not exist, so you only need to deal with the remaining 1.

July 22nd 2014, the day when my self-esteem and confidence completely got demolished. Who to take the blame? I really have no clue. I do not think I can blame on anyone or anything.

I did consult a doctor, but his face clearly showed me I came to find him quite late already. Yes, it is pretty obvious what my main worry is right now if you have seen me in person after June this year.

No medicine, no 100% recovery, which means I am going to look like this forever until the day I step into my grave. Or I'd probably look worse by then who knows. Seems like I am not THAT happy like what I said earlier. Whatever.

It could be due to genetic reasons or stress, the doctor pointed out, but since there was no proof of genetic issue, he sort of concluded that I was being too stressful. Stressful, hmm.. and on top of that I got a hideous physical appearance in return. Thank you god (if you ever exist) for being so fair.

I really do not know what to think, I try to stay positive about having half chance of recovery, I try to make my personality outshine any impairment, I try to not think about it, I try to not overthink. I try so much that I realize I cannot even accept the fact that I am like this already.

Stress? The hell I got that, to be really frank. I spend most of my time doing useless things and never give a shit about being productive. Stress?! The hell I got that from?

I seriously do not understand.

Every time I look into the mirror I start to stare and think. Ugly as fuck.

Here is to everyone out there who thinks physical appearance is not important, what is important is a person's heart and mindset, confidence makes a person beautiful etc. I can tell you all these are applicable provided you are born with a very highly decent physical appearance. Do not disagree with me because none of you will ever understand how I feel.

To hell I will believe this world has people who do not judge based on looks. To hell I will ever find an ugly person who has confidence in himself/herself. To hell..

You know what? You don't just simply go around and tell a person to be themselves, be positive, be confident. Some people are not born like that. Some are, but they change in the process of growing up. Yes, clearly I am saying myself.

People keep telling me to let out my problems so that I do not have to keep everything to myself and let me suffer alone. But honestly speaking, who on Earth would spend half of their life listening to me complaining about the same old problems I have.

No one can help me. But don't worry, I'm just slightly depressed, not suicidal no.

The internet's way of asking people to regain/build up confidence is making me so sick that I feel like throwing up whenever I read a post like that.

Being confidence starts by loving yourself?  I disagree. You can love yourself and at the same time have low level of self-esteem. It's complicated to understand because this is not what you go through. Example? If I hate myself I would have been suicidal for real. Truth is, I am still alive but still struggling with self-esteem problems. I do not hate life.

I just don't want to look like this for the rest of my life. Perhaps I would not have been so depressed when the result of this was due to genes.

Hi

All this while I have been forcing myself to think positively, to have a healthier lifestyle, to quit a lot of things I used to do for fun.

Guess who's not doing well recently?

So sorry if I have made you worried.

Ok fine

So I have been thinking of it for like more than 3 months I guess? And then here comes a dream (that I long for).

I woke up accidentally at 3am this morning, so I decided to charge my phone before I went back to sleep again because I'd have to get up at 6.30am later. I was worried that I couldn't fall back to sleep as the room was extremely cold and I had no idea where the hell my blanket was. Then the thought of "sleeping in a cold room would increase the chance of having a bad dream" came into my mind after I chanted that name. Not really chanted but it kinda appeared in my mind, and I didn't force myself to think of it I swear.

Unsurprisingly, I fell asleep again, thank God. 

I didn't have a dream before I woke up at 3, but I had a dream after my next sleep. And need not to mention what the hell was going on in THAT dream, yet I must say everything seemed so real, so fucking real until I couldn't even believe it. I got teased. Or flirted I don't know. And then there was a movie session, in the living room, on the couch, pretty innocent though, I loved it. Everything went on so smoothly and I got so much hope like...I felt like I belonged to that kind of life in reality. Until a plot twist happened in the end. I was clinging to the air instead of an arm. 

It ended sadly though. If dreams reflect total opposite of reality, then I'm seriously getting my hope up so so so high. Whatever.

April screamed YOLO

I actually hate the YOLO word but whatever.

April 2014 was pretty impressive, I scored the lowest score in my life ever, and I also got the biggest compliment at all time. So I guess this is what people say life has ups and downs, like a roller coaster ride? Static life is boring, I used to love it but now I prefer a change :)

Missions are still ongoing. I'm glad that I was being challenged to do something I would rather die than doing, and I always feel thankful for whoever that challenge me for my own good instead of for them to fulfill their competitiveness. Cuz of the challenge I realize how important sports are, by exercising really help a lot in distracting myself from being unnecessarily negative or sad, even just for awhile.

I met Qilah again after so long, noticing how much both of us had changed because of people.

I wanted to talk about the SAC Sports Day but...I'll keep it a secret as of now, I don't want things to get out of hand because of my own feelings and weird behaviour. Don't tell me I'm not weird because you're not me. I actually felt like shit during sports day haha, anyway it's not like I have never experienced the same feeling, I know I'll get over it really soon. I'm getting over it. I believe. Nah.

This month was kinda long? Time passed so slow until I couldn't breathe sometimes. But hey, the good thing about time passing slowly is that you take note of everything you did, you remember everything, and you either enjoy it or suffer from it. Life consists of pain and pleasure to make it balance anyway.

Wait, I think I forgot how much of an embarrassment I was during sports day hahahahaha bye gonna dissolve into the thin air, miserably.

Looking forward for our next run and coffee date! And also the day when all my friends are breathing the same air with me again. How to lepak when both of us are being separated with an Indian Ocean? Anyway the next month will be 2 hundred million times more shittier than April, gotta get geared up for exams! What doesn't kill me makes me stronger, definitely.

Oh, by the way, before I forget, I finished reading The Perks Of Being A Wallflower in 2 days and then I watched the movie as well. This was the only time when I actually ~finish~ a book, in 2 days wow, come I clap for myself first *claps*.

Anyway it's a great book, especially for those who perceive shy people are antisocial or not confident by choice, it's actually not. Highly recommended because it's the best way to understand the inner thoughts of a person who has low self-esteem. The best way to understand me. Too.



x o x o

整理

发现自己有点无能。

差个天和地。

I don't know you, but...

J

J is the letter of the month.

As usual, studies make me feel like a complete loser. Again.

It hurts to realize how incompetent you are, in all senses.

Yes, practice makes perfect. I understand. 

But for someone like me, no matter how much I tried,

I'm still like this.

You can say that I'm just underestimating my own ability,

you can say I wasn't hardworking enough,

or even criticize me for being halfhearted in doing things.

It's not like I don't want to change, I tried, I swear,

but it won't work, I don't know whether the problem is in me or just influences,

well, I think both. 

Read an article about how to become a loser in life,

guess what, I don't even need to read that to know how a loser is like in life,

I AM already one. Unsurprisingly, 

the whole article kinda shoot me in the face. It hurts so damn much. 

Anyway, the main aim of that article is for people 

to learn from the negative side of things,

and yet there's someone who can't be taught.

I do have people that I look up to,

people that I respect and admire, 

people that I like and people that I care.

Maybe I'm only matured in terms of appearance?

The older I am the more childish I get,

I just...don't understand? 

Perhaps just me being stuck in the same problem for too long,

I need to take a few steps back and think,

reconsider, and think more.

The question is, how? See my problem?

Btw this isn't an entry for March,

just a very negative side of me got revealed after going through the hell Feb.

x o x o 

2 。二

二月啦。

最近也过的马马虎虎，
好像给自己打了记耳光。

功课多，课程广，考试近，
我的大学生活不过如此。

所幸的是，
放下了一些沉溺以久的事情，
总算让时间空出来了，
可以做些有建设性的事情。

昨天（还是前天我忘了）
终于去搜索这个抒情摇滚乐团，
名字叫Dickpunks，
在烦躁的时候有了一个
让心抒缓下来的方式，
感觉很不错。

很喜欢贝斯与鼓配上钢琴的曲风，
钢琴取代了电吉他，
少了一份摇滚的强硬，
却多了一份舒适感。
我正需要这些。

有多久没有听别的歌曲了呢？

看我七十二变！

二十一啦！大个女啦，要乖啦，
不可以再耍脾气啦，
可以自行决定结婚啦！

长大让我有很很多感触，
过去两、三年里面，
自己最疯狂的岁月里面，
错过了很多，
简单来说就是花太多时间和精神在不该的事上，
再不然就是被不喜欢的事情捆绑着手脚，
因此造成了错失。
所以今年都要一一弥补，
跟最亲的朋友们一起完成共同任务，
势必在成年时履行少年时的梦想等等，
说到好像很大件事那样，
其实还满大件事的啦。

---------- ---------- -

很高兴自己终于选择放下，
我的初心，我岁月里最疯狂的，
不过是最闪耀的你们。
谢谢你们出现在我的世上，
有你们陪伴的四年间，
我沉迷了很久，也明白了许多，
我了解到身边的人事物不值得这样被我忽略，
把这些人事物的存在当作理所当然，被我牺牲。
我有很多话想跟你们说，
很想看你们的演唱会，很想试试追着你们跑，
不过看来我们之间好像就到此为止了。
也许在外人眼里，现在的我，
在说这番话的我，是夸张诠释，不切实际，
对一群完全不知道我的存在的人感到感伤，
感到无限抱歉，很傻，很无谓。

我还是那句，你们懂什么？
将心比心，要你交往四年后主动提出分手，
一定也很伤心难过外加不忍心。

每个人有权利崇拜偶像，
偶像可以是家族，也可以是明星，
这不是什么羞耻或值得批评的事情。
他们是一个人仰慕的对象，
是精神的寄托，喜怒哀乐都可以隔空分享的对象。
偶像的定义不只是仰慕你的外表和才华，
也喜欢你的涵养，
有内涵的人才值得大家尊重那么久，
就算隔住一个海洋的距离也在欣赏着的就是偶像。

每个少女都有历经追星的阶段，
可以很癫狂，也可以很平静。
I believe when something started, there must be an ending.
When it is coming to an end, this is not necessarily the finale,
it could be a comma of a sentence, on the other side,
it could also be the climax.
I'm not sure how should I describe my phase,
but I'm sure it's definitely not the finale.
I'm just letting it go, so I could discover more in life,
spend more time with people I care the most,
and do things I've always been wanting to do.

有人告诉我，这不是什么值得感到愧疚的事。
她说得对，兴趣可以是短暂的，
就算失去了，是自己的事情，
没有交代的必要，也不用觉得内疚。
只在乎曾经拥有，大概是这样的意思吧？
他们始终在我心里占据过很大的位置，
我知道我不是放弃，只是放下。
这需要很大的决心。

---------- ---------- -

反正今年最主要的任务是改变自己，
变漂亮变聪明变健康是必然的，
我还要变勤劳啦。

---------- ---------- -


"Thank you, my Prince, that I have dreamt of, don't forget how my heart raced, when you looked at me."

My First Ever Magical World Encounter

If you know me well enough you should know I'm a Disney fan since forever :)

Can you imagine how excited I was when I got my entrance ticket for Hong Kong Disneyland?
Can you imagine how I am going to scream and run around like a child?
Can you imagine stepping on the land of the Magical World of Mickey Mouse?
Can you imagine riding on Cinderella's merry-go-round?
Can you imagine shouting "Andy's coming!" at the characters at Toy Story Land?
Can you imagine hugging a Mickey mascot like a freaking 5-year-old with a delightful wide smile on the face?

I have had so much expectations prior my Disneyland trip,
and I was expecting all of them to come true.
Well some did come true but with a bit terrible experience.
I won't say I didn't enjoy it, at least Disneyland made my (crappy) HK trip more memorable,
it was my childhood dream after all, of course I'm really happy that it came true.

Never ever travel to HK in December anymore.
Cold weather is one thing, the wind and the never-ending drizzle are kind of irritating,
couldn't take the rides because of the weather :c
Anyway minus the rain and the wind, Disneyland was awesome!
For the first time in forever, I was actually breathing the magical air in this magical land.

I'm bad at words so I'll just show some pictures I took in the rain lol
Thank you Mr. Phone for surviving in such weather with me.